1 00:00:02,045 --> 00:00:04,004 ♪♪ [theme] 2 00:00:51,442 --> 00:00:53,444 [horn honking] 3 00:00:57,448 --> 00:00:59,059 [honking] 4 00:01:03,933 --> 00:01:05,500 Morning, sir. 5 00:01:05,543 --> 00:01:07,632 -Drive over to the Swamp. -Yes, sir. 6 00:01:20,863 --> 00:01:22,517 -Radar. -Gee, sir, why'd you run? 7 00:01:22,560 --> 00:01:24,171 I could've driven you. 8 00:01:24,214 --> 00:01:25,389 Yeah, right. 9 00:01:25,433 --> 00:01:26,521 [honking] 10 00:01:26,564 --> 00:01:28,262 Pierce! McIntyre! 11 00:01:31,613 --> 00:01:33,136 Oh, hello, Henry. 12 00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,007 Sorry Trapper can't come out and play today, 13 00:01:35,051 --> 00:01:37,227 but he's being a bad boy and he won't stop sucking his socks. 14 00:01:37,271 --> 00:01:38,881 Aw, can it, will ya? 15 00:01:38,924 --> 00:01:41,753 You jokers were supposed to be packed and ready at 0800. 16 00:01:41,797 --> 00:01:43,973 I know, but Trapper refuses to get in the suitcase. 17 00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,496 Come on, shake your tail! 18 00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:47,019 Not in front of Radar. 19 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:49,326 Here you go, caddy. Put these in my cart. 20 00:01:49,370 --> 00:01:51,067 Hey, what're you taking these clubs for? 21 00:01:51,111 --> 00:01:52,503 I tried to get a couple of nurses in, 22 00:01:52,547 --> 00:01:54,026 but they wouldn't fit. 23 00:01:54,070 --> 00:01:55,593 Look, you're supposed to be going to Japan 24 00:01:55,637 --> 00:01:57,508 to attend a surgical clinic. 25 00:01:57,552 --> 00:01:59,728 They're expecting you to show up at Tokyo General Hospital. 26 00:01:59,771 --> 00:02:02,078 Henry, I promise you we'll drive right by the building. 27 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,645 On our way to the golf course. 28 00:02:03,688 --> 00:02:05,255 Be a sport, Henry, help us out. 29 00:02:05,299 --> 00:02:06,865 We don't wanna wear ourselves out 30 00:02:06,909 --> 00:02:08,084 and disappoint the geishas. 31 00:02:10,913 --> 00:02:12,654 How much do you think we should tip him? 32 00:02:12,697 --> 00:02:15,004 Book says a quarter a bag. 33 00:02:15,047 --> 00:02:16,962 All right, Radar, take us to the airport. 34 00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:17,963 Yes, sir. 35 00:02:21,228 --> 00:02:23,404 [honking] 36 00:02:41,073 --> 00:02:42,814 Where'd you learn to drive? 37 00:02:42,858 --> 00:02:44,773 -The bumper cars. -Figures. 38 00:02:44,816 --> 00:02:47,079 My kidneys' lawyer will call you in the morning. 39 00:02:47,123 --> 00:02:49,169 Now, listen, you guys, you better check out that clinic, 40 00:02:49,212 --> 00:02:51,171 or somebody'll put my butt in a sling. 41 00:02:51,214 --> 00:02:53,303 It'll improve your posture. 42 00:02:53,347 --> 00:02:54,870 I'm gonna miss you guys. 43 00:02:54,913 --> 00:02:56,872 Hey, don't blubber in front of the troops. 44 00:02:56,915 --> 00:02:58,221 Bring me back something. 45 00:02:58,265 --> 00:03:00,223 No chance. We're gonna be careful. 46 00:03:00,267 --> 00:03:01,746 -Bye-bye, Radar. -See ya, sirs. 47 00:03:01,790 --> 00:03:02,921 Do your homework. 48 00:03:33,909 --> 00:03:35,867 Okay, Radar, back to the compound. 49 00:03:35,911 --> 00:03:37,565 Yes, sir! 50 00:04:05,157 --> 00:04:06,681 Shall we try the bar? 51 00:04:06,724 --> 00:04:08,857 All right, but I can only stay three days. 52 00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,208 [chatter] 53 00:04:13,601 --> 00:04:14,558 Excuse us. 54 00:04:20,782 --> 00:04:22,610 This place serve servicemen? 55 00:04:22,653 --> 00:04:25,003 Bartender. What are you drinking? 56 00:04:25,047 --> 00:04:26,353 I'd love a zombie. 57 00:04:26,396 --> 00:04:28,137 Necrophiliac. 58 00:04:28,180 --> 00:04:29,704 -A zombie, please. -Yes, sir. 59 00:04:29,747 --> 00:04:31,749 And keep making 'em until I turn into one. 60 00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,316 I'll have a scotch and water. 61 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,796 -Yes, sir. -I'll drink the scotch now, 62 00:04:34,839 --> 00:04:36,319 and I'll come by tomorrow for the water. 63 00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:38,016 You look like you could use another drink. 64 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,453 Oh, you must be psychic. 65 00:04:39,496 --> 00:04:40,932 No, actually, I'm a physic. 66 00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:42,891 I can predict all your future movements. 67 00:04:42,934 --> 00:04:44,719 -The same, please. -Yes, sir. 68 00:04:44,762 --> 00:04:47,199 -Vodka Gibson. -Me, too. 69 00:04:47,243 --> 00:04:49,332 You're having scotch. You can't mix drinks. 70 00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:51,160 Right. Put 'em in separate glasses. 71 00:04:52,988 --> 00:04:56,731 Major, I'm John McIntyre. This is Hawkeye Pierce. 72 00:04:56,774 --> 00:04:59,124 Is it all right for you two to be in an officers' club? 73 00:04:59,168 --> 00:05:00,735 We're captains. 74 00:05:00,778 --> 00:05:02,824 We tore our bars off when we went over the wall. 75 00:05:02,867 --> 00:05:04,434 Anthony Borelli. 76 00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,741 The rank is honorary. 77 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:08,612 I'm here as a civilian medical consultant. 78 00:05:08,656 --> 00:05:10,092 Yeah? Where's home? 79 00:05:10,135 --> 00:05:12,268 San Francisco. 80 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,792 I loved a girl in San Francisco once. 81 00:05:14,836 --> 00:05:16,490 No, twice. 82 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,795 Gentlemen. 83 00:05:17,839 --> 00:05:18,927 Ah, here we are. 84 00:05:20,929 --> 00:05:24,193 -Happy days. -In the army? 85 00:05:24,236 --> 00:05:26,326 Don't you like soldier suits? 86 00:05:26,369 --> 00:05:29,329 Whew. Our invitations to the clinic read "informal." 87 00:05:29,372 --> 00:05:30,547 Oh, you're doctors. 88 00:05:30,591 --> 00:05:31,853 Surgeons. 89 00:05:31,896 --> 00:05:34,377 I'm a gynecologist for the F.B.I. 90 00:05:34,421 --> 00:05:36,988 You over here to tell us everything you know? 91 00:05:37,032 --> 00:05:39,077 Should take about ten minutes. 92 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:41,210 I'm looking forward to meeting you at the lectures. 93 00:05:41,253 --> 00:05:42,559 I'm afraid you'll look backward to seeing us. 94 00:05:42,603 --> 00:05:43,778 Yeah, we're not coming. 95 00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:45,388 We're over here for the girls. 96 00:05:45,432 --> 00:05:46,911 We're gonna take a refresher course 97 00:05:46,955 --> 00:05:48,391 in getting our faces slapped. 98 00:05:48,435 --> 00:05:49,784 There are some very fine doctors 99 00:05:49,827 --> 00:05:51,220 who've come a long way 100 00:05:51,263 --> 00:05:52,613 to discuss some new surgical techniques. 101 00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:54,354 Major, we're from a MASH unit. 102 00:05:54,397 --> 00:05:55,964 We work three, four miles from the front. 103 00:05:56,007 --> 00:05:57,226 Meatball surgery. 104 00:05:57,269 --> 00:05:58,793 Seven tables, no waiting. 105 00:05:58,836 --> 00:06:00,534 Kids come in fresh from the field. 106 00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:02,405 We get a lot of belly wounds, a lot of dangling limbs. 107 00:06:02,449 --> 00:06:04,494 We get 'em ready for Tokyo fast. 108 00:06:04,538 --> 00:06:06,409 Not much time for technique. 109 00:06:06,453 --> 00:06:08,280 We're closing 'em up even before we can get our hands out. 110 00:06:08,324 --> 00:06:10,326 Sounds challenging. 111 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,762 We're not there by choice. 112 00:06:11,806 --> 00:06:13,416 We were snatched from our cradles by gypsies 113 00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,157 and sold to the Army. 114 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,419 Ready for another? 115 00:06:16,463 --> 00:06:18,029 Oh, no, thanks. I'm fine. 116 00:06:18,073 --> 00:06:20,162 Bartender, two more. 117 00:06:20,205 --> 00:06:22,599 You're trying to get me drunk, it'll probably work. 118 00:06:22,643 --> 00:06:24,035 Ever been to Korea, doctor? 119 00:06:24,079 --> 00:06:25,907 -No. -Oh, you'd love it. 120 00:06:25,950 --> 00:06:27,343 In addition to trauma surgery 121 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,866 and wholesale amputation, 122 00:06:28,910 --> 00:06:30,520 we've got typhus, filariasis, 123 00:06:30,564 --> 00:06:33,480 encephalitis, typhoid, paratyphoid, and cholera. 124 00:06:33,523 --> 00:06:35,395 Korea's the Detroit of bacteria. 125 00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,135 -We operate in the filth. -In the mud. 126 00:06:37,179 --> 00:06:38,615 -In the muck. -Muck and mud. 127 00:06:38,659 --> 00:06:40,095 Who'll ever forget them? 128 00:06:40,138 --> 00:06:41,313 BARTENDER: Gentlemen. 129 00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:42,706 Arigato. 130 00:06:42,750 --> 00:06:44,142 I'll tell you what, doc. 131 00:06:44,186 --> 00:06:45,970 You wanna really be useful over here? 132 00:06:46,014 --> 00:06:49,104 Stop hanging out in the cozy locker room in Tokyo. 133 00:06:49,147 --> 00:06:51,759 If you and your pals wanna really get in the game, 134 00:06:51,802 --> 00:06:53,978 come out to a MASH unit or an aid station. 135 00:06:54,022 --> 00:06:55,327 Come back to the front with us. 136 00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,373 Or front to the back with us. 137 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:58,983 No, thanks. 138 00:06:59,027 --> 00:07:00,811 I saw my share of the front lines 139 00:07:00,855 --> 00:07:03,205 in World War I and II. 140 00:07:03,248 --> 00:07:04,554 Fair enough. 141 00:07:05,642 --> 00:07:07,078 To World War None. 142 00:07:09,951 --> 00:07:11,996 Have a good stay, doctor. 143 00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,563 Get your net. 144 00:07:13,607 --> 00:07:15,609 We're starting a Madame Butterfly collection. 145 00:07:26,924 --> 00:07:29,231 -Radar, this is heaven. -Yes, sir. 146 00:07:29,274 --> 00:07:31,276 -You're a genius. -Ah, yes, sir. 147 00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:33,975 Colonel Blake, you are not listening to me! 148 00:07:34,018 --> 00:07:35,803 Uh, you'll have to speak up, Frank. 149 00:07:35,846 --> 00:07:37,413 I'm not listening to you. 150 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,850 The water could be just a tidge warmer. 151 00:07:39,894 --> 00:07:41,199 Oh, yes, sir. 152 00:07:41,243 --> 00:07:42,984 Colonel, I have inconvertible proof 153 00:07:43,027 --> 00:07:44,507 that Pierce and McIntyre 154 00:07:44,551 --> 00:07:46,814 did not attend one single lecture 155 00:07:46,857 --> 00:07:48,163 the whole time they were in Tokyo. 156 00:07:48,206 --> 00:07:49,730 They spent the entire three days 157 00:07:49,773 --> 00:07:51,340 in the company of geisha girls, 158 00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:53,777 bar girls, and female golf caddies. 159 00:07:53,821 --> 00:07:58,042 I ought to have them whipped, although they probably are. 160 00:07:58,086 --> 00:07:59,522 Is that all you can say? 161 00:07:59,566 --> 00:08:01,655 Look, Frank, they didn't get arrested, 162 00:08:01,698 --> 00:08:03,570 and I count that for something. 163 00:08:03,613 --> 00:08:05,572 Now just let me soak in this pool 164 00:08:05,615 --> 00:08:07,748 until I get nice and wrinkled, okay? 165 00:08:07,791 --> 00:08:10,707 Colonel, do you not understand-- 166 00:08:24,025 --> 00:08:25,983 Oh, pooh, I forgot my sunglasses. 167 00:08:26,027 --> 00:08:27,245 Take mine. 168 00:08:30,335 --> 00:08:31,554 Degenerates! 169 00:08:31,598 --> 00:08:32,773 You peeked. 170 00:08:34,252 --> 00:08:36,341 I believe that's the pool just ahead. 171 00:08:36,385 --> 00:08:38,126 Right next to the outhouse. 172 00:08:38,169 --> 00:08:40,215 All right, Henry, out of the pool. 173 00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:42,043 I'm gonna do 35 laps. 174 00:08:42,086 --> 00:08:43,914 We have to stay in shape in case we're drafted. 175 00:08:47,396 --> 00:08:48,745 Ha! 176 00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:51,400 Look out! 177 00:08:54,621 --> 00:08:57,580 Frank tells me you guys didn't attend one lecture. 178 00:08:57,624 --> 00:08:59,321 Couldn't, Henry. 179 00:08:59,364 --> 00:09:01,715 We got sick and had to have round-the-clock nurses. 180 00:09:01,758 --> 00:09:03,238 You characters. 181 00:09:03,281 --> 00:09:05,196 -RADAR: Chopper. -[helicopter whirling] 182 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,612 Wounded? 183 00:09:29,656 --> 00:09:30,918 No announcement. 184 00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:42,886 I'll be damned. 185 00:09:44,366 --> 00:09:45,976 Who is that man? 186 00:09:46,020 --> 00:09:48,196 Don'tyou know? That's the Lone Ranger. 187 00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,462 Sir. 188 00:09:53,505 --> 00:09:55,638 Why don't you let me put you up in the V.I.P. tent, Doctor? 189 00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,248 You'd be a whole lot more comfortable. 190 00:09:57,292 --> 00:09:58,859 I've had enough of the locker room, Colonel. 191 00:09:58,902 --> 00:10:00,556 I came to get into the game. 192 00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,167 Well, you couldn't have picked any place gamier. 193 00:10:03,211 --> 00:10:04,429 Well, you must be hungry after your trip. 194 00:10:04,473 --> 00:10:06,257 We've got a very fine mess tent. 195 00:10:06,301 --> 00:10:08,825 Yeah, the tent is terrific. The food puts you away. 196 00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:10,305 Excuse me, sir. 197 00:10:10,348 --> 00:10:11,959 I've laid out all your things for you. 198 00:10:12,002 --> 00:10:13,700 -Thank you, Radar. -Oh, you're welcome, sir. 199 00:10:13,743 --> 00:10:15,484 -Radar, why don't you-- -I'll arrange a tour 200 00:10:15,527 --> 00:10:16,964 -for Dr. Borelli right away. -...for Dr. Borelli. 201 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:20,141 You know, I'd have bet anything 202 00:10:20,184 --> 00:10:21,359 that you wouldn't have come. 203 00:10:21,403 --> 00:10:22,665 Won't they miss you in Tokyo? 204 00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,493 I'm a civilian. 205 00:10:24,536 --> 00:10:26,669 They going to bust me from a Mister down to a Miss? 206 00:10:28,279 --> 00:10:29,977 So this is Korea. 207 00:10:30,020 --> 00:10:32,066 I think you'll find it everything we said it wasn't. 208 00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:33,763 Yeah, it's cold, smelly, and poor. 209 00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,156 But it is unpleasant. 210 00:10:35,199 --> 00:10:37,245 [explosion] 211 00:10:39,464 --> 00:10:41,336 -Artillery. -Ours? 212 00:10:41,379 --> 00:10:42,511 And theirs. 213 00:10:42,554 --> 00:10:44,165 It's a set. 214 00:10:44,208 --> 00:10:46,210 Great place for the doctor business. 215 00:10:46,254 --> 00:10:48,604 Beginning of the year, over a two-month period, 216 00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,607 this unit treated almost 5,000 casualties. 217 00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:53,000 Well, that's incredible. 218 00:10:53,043 --> 00:10:54,697 Well, I had help, of course. 219 00:10:55,829 --> 00:10:58,309 [explosions] 220 00:11:00,790 --> 00:11:03,837 Colonel, we heard Dr. Borelli was with us. 221 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:07,623 Oh, uh, Dr. Borelli, this is our chief nurse, 222 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,842 Major Margaret Houlihan. 223 00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,670 -Major. -Sir. 224 00:11:10,713 --> 00:11:11,714 [clears throat] 225 00:11:11,758 --> 00:11:13,542 Oh, that's Major Burns. 226 00:11:13,585 --> 00:11:15,370 -Major. -Honorary. 227 00:11:15,413 --> 00:11:17,415 I'm a doctor, not really a major. 228 00:11:17,459 --> 00:11:19,896 Perfect. Frank's a major who's not really a doctor. 229 00:11:19,940 --> 00:11:21,550 Pierce. 230 00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:23,465 Just a little white truth. 231 00:11:23,508 --> 00:11:26,511 What brings you to the 4077th, Doctor? 232 00:11:26,555 --> 00:11:29,427 Well, I couldn't get these two to listen to me lecture in Tokyo, 233 00:11:29,471 --> 00:11:31,212 so I came over here to bore them. 234 00:11:31,255 --> 00:11:34,215 Oh, well, I'm sure you'll be anything but boring. 235 00:11:34,258 --> 00:11:35,738 Anything but. 236 00:11:35,782 --> 00:11:39,133 Well, there's two "buts" who say you're wrong. 237 00:11:39,176 --> 00:11:42,310 Hmm. Feels like it's going to martini. 238 00:11:43,441 --> 00:11:44,965 Great idea. 239 00:11:45,008 --> 00:11:46,444 MAN [on P.A.]: Attention, all personnel. 240 00:11:46,488 --> 00:11:47,968 Incoming wounded. 241 00:11:48,011 --> 00:11:50,318 Both shifts report to the O.R. on the double. 242 00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,015 Let's go. 243 00:11:52,059 --> 00:11:54,888 Well, you got here just in time, Doctor. 244 00:11:54,931 --> 00:11:56,367 Pretty exciting. 245 00:11:56,411 --> 00:11:58,108 Let's hope you feel that way about nausea. 246 00:11:58,152 --> 00:11:59,588 [helicopter whirling] 247 00:12:05,681 --> 00:12:06,856 Let me have some suction there, will ya, Gwen? 248 00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:09,163 Yes, sir. 249 00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:12,079 Look at that. Those are my sutures. 250 00:12:12,122 --> 00:12:13,645 There and there. 251 00:12:13,689 --> 00:12:16,083 This is the third time through here for this kid. 252 00:12:16,126 --> 00:12:17,562 BORELLI: Must like your work. 253 00:12:21,392 --> 00:12:22,654 Come on, gimme a wipe, will ya? 254 00:12:22,698 --> 00:12:24,221 I'm sweating like a pig. 255 00:12:27,050 --> 00:12:28,356 Thanks, sweetheart. 256 00:12:28,399 --> 00:12:29,749 You're welcome, darling. 257 00:12:32,403 --> 00:12:34,666 [explosion] 258 00:12:35,972 --> 00:12:38,583 Artillery. 259 00:12:38,627 --> 00:12:40,585 You've got noisy neighbors, Father. 260 00:12:40,629 --> 00:12:42,457 Dress this for me. 261 00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:47,418 This leg's badly crushed, 262 00:12:47,462 --> 00:12:48,898 and there's no way of saving it. 263 00:12:48,942 --> 00:12:50,813 Get me a knife and have a saw ready. 264 00:12:50,857 --> 00:12:51,988 Wait. 265 00:12:55,165 --> 00:12:56,384 You don't have to amputate. 266 00:12:56,427 --> 00:12:58,038 But the artery is crushed. 267 00:12:58,081 --> 00:12:59,996 You can do an arterial transplant. 268 00:13:02,085 --> 00:13:03,870 A new segment of artery can be grafted 269 00:13:03,913 --> 00:13:06,786 in place of the damaged portion. 270 00:13:06,829 --> 00:13:09,440 Dr. Borelli, what you're saying is new to us. 271 00:13:09,484 --> 00:13:12,269 But then, uh, clean sheets would be new to us. 272 00:13:12,313 --> 00:13:15,055 Well, the operation is similar to coarctation of the aorta, 273 00:13:15,098 --> 00:13:16,796 where the narrowed area was removed 274 00:13:16,839 --> 00:13:18,493 and the two ends sewn together. 275 00:13:18,536 --> 00:13:20,712 Have you ever done this operation before, Doctor? 276 00:13:20,756 --> 00:13:22,366 Yes, and it works. 277 00:13:22,410 --> 00:13:24,194 All you need is a section of new artery. 278 00:13:24,238 --> 00:13:27,502 If we haven't got one, we can call around to other outfits. 279 00:13:27,545 --> 00:13:31,158 I am sick to death of sending kids home in only one boot. 280 00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:33,334 Well, if you're going to do it, you better move fast. 281 00:13:33,377 --> 00:13:35,684 That leg's not gonna last more than another four or five hours. 282 00:13:35,727 --> 00:13:37,207 Colonel, we've never tried this before. 283 00:13:37,251 --> 00:13:38,469 Someone could get into trouble. 284 00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:43,953 Radar! 285 00:13:51,395 --> 00:13:53,789 Come on. Come on. 286 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:55,704 Hello, Charlie Company? 287 00:13:55,747 --> 00:13:57,575 Uh, yeah, listen, it's me again. 288 00:13:57,619 --> 00:13:59,142 I'm still looking for that piece of artery. 289 00:13:59,186 --> 00:14:00,535 Have you got any casualties? 290 00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:04,191 I am not a ghoul! 291 00:14:04,234 --> 00:14:06,410 I work in a hospital! 292 00:14:06,454 --> 00:14:08,630 I do! 293 00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:11,111 How'd ya like a specimen in your ear, fella? 294 00:14:13,156 --> 00:14:14,592 Hello, Able? 295 00:14:14,636 --> 00:14:16,464 Yeah, he's still holding. Look it-- 296 00:14:16,507 --> 00:14:18,292 I can't hear you. 297 00:14:18,335 --> 00:14:20,685 Boy, you got the war on loud there. 298 00:14:20,729 --> 00:14:22,252 -I'm looking for, uh-- -[ringing] 299 00:14:22,296 --> 00:14:24,646 Don't go away. Wait a minute. Just hold on. 300 00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:26,648 MASH 4077th. 301 00:14:26,691 --> 00:14:28,128 Oh, yeah, listen, I've been trying to get you. 302 00:14:28,171 --> 00:14:29,956 We, uh, we've got less than four hours 303 00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,175 to perform an arterial transplant, 304 00:14:32,219 --> 00:14:33,394 -and I need-- -[ringing] 305 00:14:33,437 --> 00:14:35,178 Hold on a second. Hold on. 306 00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:37,267 MASH 407th. You can? 307 00:14:37,311 --> 00:14:41,010 You have? You will? 308 00:14:41,054 --> 00:14:43,578 Forget it! Forget it! Shoot! 309 00:14:49,714 --> 00:14:51,629 What's the story with those two? 310 00:14:55,155 --> 00:14:56,678 He's a creep. 311 00:14:56,721 --> 00:14:58,245 She's a creepette. 312 00:14:58,288 --> 00:15:00,725 They met in adjoining jars in medical school. 313 00:15:03,641 --> 00:15:05,295 Well, a person doesn't have to be an eye doctor 314 00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:06,818 to see what's going on here. 315 00:15:08,516 --> 00:15:10,779 I don't know what you're talking about, Frank. 316 00:15:10,822 --> 00:15:14,261 Keep drooling down your front, you'll have to change your bra. 317 00:15:14,304 --> 00:15:15,697 Frank! 318 00:15:25,185 --> 00:15:26,664 [explosion] 319 00:15:32,279 --> 00:15:33,628 Great coffee. 320 00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,021 Drink between the grounds. 321 00:15:35,064 --> 00:15:37,980 [explosion] 322 00:15:39,199 --> 00:15:40,504 My money's on Radar. 323 00:15:42,811 --> 00:15:44,334 I got it! 324 00:15:44,378 --> 00:15:46,075 A British outfit's had heavy casualties. 325 00:15:46,119 --> 00:15:47,903 -They'll let us have one. -How far away are they? 326 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,252 Sixteen miles straight up Broadway. 327 00:15:49,296 --> 00:15:50,819 A couple, three hours, there and back. 328 00:15:50,862 --> 00:15:51,820 Let's go. 329 00:15:53,648 --> 00:15:55,302 [explosion] 330 00:15:56,651 --> 00:15:58,000 You all right? 331 00:15:58,044 --> 00:15:59,959 Go ahead. I'll stay here. 332 00:16:00,002 --> 00:16:01,221 Where it's safe. 333 00:16:16,932 --> 00:16:18,455 Watch where you're going. 334 00:16:26,376 --> 00:16:27,725 Oh, you're kidding. 335 00:16:27,769 --> 00:16:29,249 Hey, would I kid you? 336 00:16:29,292 --> 00:16:31,425 Why didn't you think of it before we left home? 337 00:17:00,019 --> 00:17:01,846 An artery, you say? 338 00:17:01,890 --> 00:17:04,066 From one of my dead lads? 339 00:17:04,110 --> 00:17:05,372 Yes, sir. 340 00:17:05,415 --> 00:17:07,026 For transplanting into one of your live ones? 341 00:17:07,069 --> 00:17:08,592 Right. 342 00:17:08,636 --> 00:17:12,248 Well, an incredible fuss for just a leg, isn't it? 343 00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:17,514 Sure you wouldn't like a splash? 344 00:17:17,558 --> 00:17:19,038 HAWKEYE: Uh, no, thank you. 345 00:17:19,081 --> 00:17:22,345 You know, my father lost both legs in the Great War. 346 00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,304 Never missed 'em. 347 00:17:24,347 --> 00:17:27,263 Said he lived years longer not having to tie his laces. 348 00:17:29,526 --> 00:17:31,572 Sir, we're fighting the clock a little bit on this one. 349 00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,095 If you'd just sign this release. 350 00:17:33,139 --> 00:17:35,010 Oh, yes, yes. Let me see it. 351 00:17:37,795 --> 00:17:39,232 Oh, the shelling stopped. 352 00:17:39,275 --> 00:17:42,235 Well, all good things must come to an end. 353 00:17:42,278 --> 00:17:44,759 Yes. Quite. 354 00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:52,984 Well, it all seems perfectly grisly 355 00:17:53,028 --> 00:17:54,682 and quite correct. 356 00:17:57,511 --> 00:17:58,903 Thank you. 357 00:17:58,947 --> 00:18:01,993 A British artery in an American leg, eh? 358 00:18:02,037 --> 00:18:03,343 That's right. 359 00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,084 Probably develop an irresistible urge 360 00:18:05,127 --> 00:18:07,695 to drive on the left side of the road. 361 00:18:07,738 --> 00:18:08,957 Yes. Quite. 362 00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:26,975 Get this to Major Houlihan. Preparation for transplant. 363 00:18:27,018 --> 00:18:28,324 Yes, sir. 364 00:18:28,368 --> 00:18:30,935 -Page Dr. Borelli to O.R.! -Yes, sir. 365 00:18:32,546 --> 00:18:33,895 This stuff in supply. 366 00:18:33,938 --> 00:18:35,636 -Did you get it? -Sure did. 367 00:18:35,679 --> 00:18:37,028 Wow. 368 00:18:37,072 --> 00:18:38,639 Radar, I had a date with some nurse tonight. 369 00:18:38,682 --> 00:18:40,467 Find out who and tell her I can't make it. 370 00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:41,946 It was me. 371 00:18:41,990 --> 00:18:43,252 Radar, go get Borelli. 372 00:18:43,296 --> 00:18:44,514 Oh, right. 373 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,517 I'm excited as hell about this. 374 00:18:47,561 --> 00:18:49,563 Take it easy, will you? 375 00:18:49,606 --> 00:18:52,566 All we gotta do is assist. Borelli's got the hard part. 376 00:18:52,609 --> 00:18:54,829 MAN [on P.A.]: Dr. Borelli, please report to the O.R. 377 00:18:54,872 --> 00:18:57,614 Dr. Borelli, immediately, please. 378 00:18:57,658 --> 00:18:59,268 He's gonna love operating in our flea circus. 379 00:18:59,312 --> 00:19:00,835 Yeah, as long as he saves the leg. 380 00:19:00,878 --> 00:19:02,837 He will. It all feels right. 381 00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:04,969 Then we can escort him back to Tokyo. 382 00:19:05,013 --> 00:19:07,102 I met the most fantastic girl there. 383 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:09,235 You've been holdin' out on me. When? 384 00:19:09,278 --> 00:19:10,497 Friday night. 385 00:19:10,540 --> 00:19:12,890 I can't remember which bathtub. 386 00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:15,197 Hawkeye. 387 00:19:18,940 --> 00:19:20,028 Where's Borelli? 388 00:19:20,071 --> 00:19:22,204 He's in the Swamp. 389 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:23,945 You'd better come. 390 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,003 Doctor? 391 00:19:39,047 --> 00:19:40,222 The dance is starting. 392 00:19:40,266 --> 00:19:41,571 We need you to stand your partner up. 393 00:19:48,274 --> 00:19:50,319 Didn't you hear the page? 394 00:19:55,933 --> 00:19:57,152 You're not fit to operate. 395 00:19:58,501 --> 00:20:00,111 I know. 396 00:20:00,155 --> 00:20:01,896 Oh, well, we'll just tell the patient 397 00:20:01,939 --> 00:20:04,203 that his doctor is soused. 398 00:20:04,246 --> 00:20:05,726 Hope he doesn't mind walking around 399 00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,162 for the rest of his life on a tree trunk. 400 00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:11,601 You can do it, Pierce. I watched you work. 401 00:20:11,645 --> 00:20:13,603 You can do it better than I can. 402 00:20:13,647 --> 00:20:17,085 I've never done it before. I've never even seen it done. 403 00:20:21,698 --> 00:20:23,874 I'll be right behind ya. 404 00:20:23,918 --> 00:20:25,441 That'll be a great comfort. 405 00:20:41,457 --> 00:20:42,676 -Cut it? -Yeah. 406 00:20:42,719 --> 00:20:44,286 Okay. 407 00:20:44,330 --> 00:20:47,115 BORELLI: Okay, now open the vascular clamp. 408 00:20:50,336 --> 00:20:51,989 It's leaking at the upper suture line. 409 00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:53,513 Well, put another stitch in. 410 00:21:00,128 --> 00:21:01,172 Okay, cut it, hmm? 411 00:21:01,216 --> 00:21:02,478 Okay. Got it tied? 412 00:21:02,522 --> 00:21:05,220 Good. 413 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,787 All right. Try it again. 414 00:21:09,137 --> 00:21:11,270 -Give it a cut. -Wait a second. 415 00:21:11,313 --> 00:21:12,706 -Okay. -All right? 416 00:21:18,668 --> 00:21:20,279 It's holding now. 417 00:21:20,322 --> 00:21:21,584 [laughs] 418 00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:24,326 Look at that bugger! 419 00:21:24,370 --> 00:21:25,762 Pulse is good. 420 00:21:25,806 --> 00:21:27,503 Foot's getting pink and warming up. 421 00:21:32,203 --> 00:21:33,988 Stick around, folks. As an encore, 422 00:21:34,031 --> 00:21:37,165 I'm gonna sew Major Houlihan and Trapper together. 423 00:21:37,208 --> 00:21:38,949 Good work, doctors. 424 00:21:38,993 --> 00:21:40,386 Thank you, Doctor. 425 00:21:44,738 --> 00:21:46,609 They couldn't have done it better at Johns Hopkins. 426 00:21:48,829 --> 00:21:51,092 -Wanna cut that? -Mm-hmm. Cut. 427 00:21:55,096 --> 00:21:57,228 [chatter] 428 00:21:59,753 --> 00:22:01,145 How 'bout some coffee? 429 00:22:01,189 --> 00:22:03,147 I'd like to fill a swimmin' pool with it. 430 00:22:08,849 --> 00:22:11,068 I'll catch up with you later. 431 00:22:11,112 --> 00:22:12,200 Sure. 432 00:22:17,901 --> 00:22:19,686 You did a good job, Doctor. 433 00:22:21,427 --> 00:22:23,777 Somebody had to. 434 00:22:23,820 --> 00:22:26,388 I didn't drink at all in World War I. 435 00:22:26,432 --> 00:22:28,521 Was liquor invented then? 436 00:22:28,564 --> 00:22:30,000 In the Second War, 437 00:22:30,044 --> 00:22:32,394 I never drank until I was through working. 438 00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:35,615 One for the road, doc? Or two or three? 439 00:22:35,658 --> 00:22:38,357 Maybe you'd like to take a few home in a doggy bag. 440 00:22:38,400 --> 00:22:42,012 Please don't confuse my explanation for an apology. 441 00:22:42,056 --> 00:22:43,492 The place got to me. 442 00:22:43,536 --> 00:22:46,103 I wanted to get into the game, 443 00:22:46,147 --> 00:22:48,149 but I'd forgotten how rough the game can be. 444 00:22:48,192 --> 00:22:50,194 Uh-huh. 445 00:22:50,238 --> 00:22:51,674 Didn't you ever have that problem? 446 00:22:55,112 --> 00:22:56,592 Not to your degree. 447 00:22:58,899 --> 00:23:01,684 What's that your leaning on, a bubble gum machine? 448 00:23:03,860 --> 00:23:06,907 You have a great many gifts, Doctor. 449 00:23:06,950 --> 00:23:09,039 It's a pity you can't number compassion among them. 450 00:23:12,826 --> 00:23:16,133 I'm suffering from the three sure signs of age: 451 00:23:16,177 --> 00:23:19,833 bit of a spread, gray hair... 452 00:23:19,876 --> 00:23:21,661 feet of clay. 453 00:23:24,011 --> 00:23:26,492 I wish you better luck on your third war. 454 00:23:49,732 --> 00:23:51,473 -Colonel. -Thanks for your help, Major. 455 00:23:51,517 --> 00:23:53,736 -Major. -It's a privilege, sir. 456 00:23:53,780 --> 00:23:55,738 Trapper, I'll see ya in Tokyo some time. 457 00:23:55,782 --> 00:23:58,132 I'll come to the lecture next time. 458 00:23:58,175 --> 00:23:59,481 Maybe you'll come back someday. 459 00:23:59,525 --> 00:24:00,874 Oh, it's been a real pleasure. 460 00:24:00,917 --> 00:24:02,528 Oh, it's been our pleasure. 461 00:24:07,968 --> 00:24:09,491 Thanks for everything, Radar. 462 00:24:09,535 --> 00:24:11,145 You're welcome, sir. Have a good trip.